What now?

My head is full of noise right now … I kinda feel so down and at the same time, I feel nothing at all! Feeling nothing for me, in the situation I’m in right now, is an indicator that everything inside me is so messed up. However, my eyes are full of tears. I’ve seen this moment coming for a long while now. I’ve predicted this very thing. This is the so natural outcome of not processing everything that has been happening for months now.

For months now, and I’m out of passion … out of power to do anything. I’m not totally recovered from my depression, and I think I’ll never will be. I keep on writing about the altar and giving everything to the One even though I don’t know if He’s getting my messages and if He’s listening. Are you listening? And if you are, why You’re not answering? Or You did? All of these messages that have been said to me that they’re from You, made no difference. Are you still inside of me?

Not a single day passes by without me thinking to … why should I keep on going? Why? To what end? And what if I literally gave everything and stopped running? Having nothing at all. Will those who I consider friends, stay?

I’m so lost. I don’t even know what I love to do and what I don’t love to do. I just do for the sake of surviving. For the world has no mercy on those who don’t do, who don’t earn enough money for living.

And this thought of me traveling … is it because I wanna escape here? Or for the sake of a maybe that everything may change for the better. But what if it didn’t? Will it be the end?

I’m so unable to define what is wrong with me … so messed up I feel. And I keep on messing everything around me.

So what should I do now? Quit my job? For I’m so unable to sales work. And the mobile development field, it sucks my energy. And I keep on running, for I have no chance to stop. I keep on learning, working, studying, trying to survive, trying to know God, and running. And I have failed in all. I’m tired of me getting drained out of energy … of these waves of depression … these storms.

I keep on thinking of ending the struggle. But why do I struggle?

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